Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
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dasoulman
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Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
.
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dasoulman
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Office Politics
They are called "Spec Taters"
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Po Taters".
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Jokes
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dasoulman
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Son writting Letter to DAD
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am... But it' s not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad... I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you there are worse things in life than the Report Card in my desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home..
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dasoulman
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Laughter..
70 year old man asks his wife..."Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date and her mother warned her...
"1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name, ok"
Next day, girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."
A white couple had a black baby...
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt..!
Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: "Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"
Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!"
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dasoulman
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Indian and Cat food
An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths. He finds cat food at special
prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to cashier counter. The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat, and will probably feed cat
food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he
could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen
cans of dog food and goes to cashier counter. The Manager again gets
suspicious.. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog, and
he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and
show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Sardar goes
home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager
to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels
something slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian,
What the *** is this? Is this shit you Idiot?
The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”
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Jokes
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dasoulman
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted.'
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted.'
Labels:
Jokes
Posted by
dasoulman
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Baby's First Doctor Visit.
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk. 'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'
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dasoulman
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Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale....... Cheap....... ....no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask too Many Questions..
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit : We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !
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Jokes
Posted by
dasoulman
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A Joke To Erase Racism
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"
The black man then sat back down and enjoyed his meal.
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Jokes
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dasoulman
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Innocent Eyes
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
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dasoulman
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What Makes 100%
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-
What makes 100%?
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Jokes
Posted by
dasoulman
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The Pepsi
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
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Jokes
